MY MEMORY WALK

I supposed to attend a Memory walk together with older persons and participants of the dementia conference in Manila Hotel last Sunday but I decided not to attend thinking that I can have rest however, I never anticipate that I will have my memory walk in the hospital bed where I cannot move my hips because of extreme pain.

RETROSPECT

Lying in the ER on Monday night reminds me of Davao Medical Center where I was also admitted this year because of dengue but I realized dengue was much better for you know you can move some parts of your body but this time I am like a little child who seems so helpless for only my arms can move and my feet but half of my hips needs not to be touch. I get hysterical and I know that this is not normal. I am thinking that what if I get paralyzed then how can I go home? I kept crying, good enough that there was Ate Flor on my side who tried to comfort me. During my x-ray she told me "kaya mo yan mic, wag kang iyak ng iyak" then I replied "natakot ako kasi wala ang mama ko dito" then she replied "okay ako nalang ang mama mo ha", although she's not my real mother but that alone gives me assurance that she's just there. But still, i can't help crying because of the physical pain (it is more than the pain I experienced during the time that I have ice skating in Kazakhstan) but more than that I cried more because of emotional pain. I get out from my cancer shell, I realized if I was not careless and if I take care of myself this will not happen to me but I was so carefree now I pay a very high price.

MYMP (Make your Mama Proud!)

This is our favorite expression with Vicky, my dorm mate, last Sunday she was crying because she's not able to answer all the questions in the bar exam and I told her do not cry and get discourage remember Make your Mama Proud! but this time she's the one who told me "baby do not cry, make your mama proud". Actually, when I get sick that's the time I remember my mother and her constant reminder that I should not go very far from her because I was sickly but because I was hard headed I never followed her advise. I went to Canada without her knowledge and I screwed up Department of Foreign Affairs using a different mother and I went to Kazakhstan without her approval and I've got car accident. Now, I was in Manila despite of her plea for me not to go away anymore for she's old. So because I made a decision whatever difficult situation I encountered I never let her know. This time, I never informed my mother that I was in the hospital because I really don't bring bad news to my mother. It is not because she will get angry with me but because I don't want her to worry. She has hypertension and was admitted in the hospital in 1997. I want to preserve her because if you lose one parent, you will tend to value what is left.

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD

I was alone in my bed on the second day for whole afternoon, I only heard the rain drops and I can't help but to be emotional again. I am thinking of things and all the stupidity and crazyness I have made. Why I am so careless? See Amelyn you take up the lessons again. You have already earned six units in the hospital this year. Good enough, that in the evening my classmates in MAHESOS came to visit me, so my spirit was lifted. I really appreciate the help of Mario (her sense of humor gives me medicine) although, inside of me,I still feel the pain but having angels like her and my classmates preserve my sanity. As doctor Than said "You have to rest because your a naughty girl".

A PLACE TO REMEMBER

I also do not expect that Mam Marina will visit me in the hospital. She is sixty four year old and a retired social worker, former Director of DSWD NCR. We worked together in Kazakhstan last 2005. After three years only this time that we've met again and she told me "among all the places, I do not expect that I will see you here. Remember in Kazakhstan, we are the one lifting spirits of our clients in the clinic so this time you have to lift yours".She also told me "Just think that after this blessings will come". I was inspired because even if she's older than me but still she's very healthy, the more should I, because I was more younger than her.

BREAKFAST WITH THE DEAD

On my third day, ate Irene, my dorm mate brought me my favorite Macdonald breakfast (pancake and coffee) which we usually eat on Sunday but this time it is not good to have breakfast where in front of you another patient was lying in her bed and only the oxygen tank gives her life. She was admitted on my second night, i was not able to sleep well because I heard her calling her mother's name but her mother was just around her. She kept on saying "Mama, I don't want this (she mean the oxygen on her nose) but her mother replied "You have no choice, your in the hospital". My room was filled with nurse attendant and doctor from time to time. She's so noisy. In the morning, her attendant doctor told her children that "your mother is not in good shape, it is only the machine that breaths for her". Then, I saw her kids were crying. I can emphatize with them because what I saw this morning reminds me of my father. In a few hours, they pump her heart but she stop breathing. I saw the sign on top of her bed "Complete Bed Rest!"

My memory box

If there is a place which will remind me of a very sad part of my childhood days it's definitely the hospital. At the age of 13, we live in the hospital for two months because my father was confined because of cancer. If some people are wishing to be hospitalized well it's none of my wish but it happens without my control. This place reminds me of how many injections my father will get in a day, his bloated body and that he cannot move his arms. As a child this made me realized sometimes no matter how you love the person but love is not enough to keep him alive. You have to set him free because this is much better than to see him dying everyday. This is the best thing that you can do!

THINGS I SHOULD NOT FORGET!

At last I get out after three days, I still have some pain but little by little things will go back to normal. I practice now graceful movement. Sometimes, sickness gives us a chance to reflect on things that are important and here's my list:

1. Water (there is no substitute for water, in hospital the doctor will not prescribe softdrinks or green tea)

2. Oxygen (don't forget to breath everyday, deep breathing)

3. Rest ( I should rest because normally I am so mobile, I also do not want that there will be a sign on top my bed complete bed rest)

3. People (value them while you are still alive especially those you love because if you are in the hospital they are the one's you need, not fame, not honor nor success)

4. Life (I was ask by nursing student, do you think you live your life fully? my answer is yes! because while I was in my bed I was thinking I have done so much in my life in the past 28 years so If I will die now then maybe God just want to tell me "You have enough" but I still want to live more productive years. That is why next year I am planning to settle down and build my niche.

5. God (to trust him with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding)

CREDITS INSIDE:

Thanks to my friends who came to visit me in the hospital in Davao Medical Center last May and also in Manila Adventist Hospital this September. May God repay your kindness in silence and may you always stay healthy. I will keep you in my memory forever.