MY MEMORY WALK

I supposed to attend a Memory walk together with older persons and participants of the dementia conference in Manila Hotel last Sunday but I decided not to attend thinking that I can have rest however, I never anticipate that I will have my memory walk in the hospital bed where I cannot move my hips because of extreme pain.

RETROSPECT

Lying in the ER on Monday night reminds me of Davao Medical Center where I was also admitted this year because of dengue but I realized dengue was much better for you know you can move some parts of your body but this time I am like a little child who seems so helpless for only my arms can move and my feet but half of my hips needs not to be touch. I get hysterical and I know that this is not normal. I am thinking that what if I get paralyzed then how can I go home? I kept crying, good enough that there was Ate Flor on my side who tried to comfort me. During my x-ray she told me "kaya mo yan mic, wag kang iyak ng iyak" then I replied "natakot ako kasi wala ang mama ko dito" then she replied "okay ako nalang ang mama mo ha", although she's not my real mother but that alone gives me assurance that she's just there. But still, i can't help crying because of the physical pain (it is more than the pain I experienced during the time that I have ice skating in Kazakhstan) but more than that I cried more because of emotional pain. I get out from my cancer shell, I realized if I was not careless and if I take care of myself this will not happen to me but I was so carefree now I pay a very high price.

MYMP (Make your Mama Proud!)

This is our favorite expression with Vicky, my dorm mate, last Sunday she was crying because she's not able to answer all the questions in the bar exam and I told her do not cry and get discourage remember Make your Mama Proud! but this time she's the one who told me "baby do not cry, make your mama proud". Actually, when I get sick that's the time I remember my mother and her constant reminder that I should not go very far from her because I was sickly but because I was hard headed I never followed her advise. I went to Canada without her knowledge and I screwed up Department of Foreign Affairs using a different mother and I went to Kazakhstan without her approval and I've got car accident. Now, I was in Manila despite of her plea for me not to go away anymore for she's old. So because I made a decision whatever difficult situation I encountered I never let her know. This time, I never informed my mother that I was in the hospital because I really don't bring bad news to my mother. It is not because she will get angry with me but because I don't want her to worry. She has hypertension and was admitted in the hospital in 1997. I want to preserve her because if you lose one parent, you will tend to value what is left.

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD

I was alone in my bed on the second day for whole afternoon, I only heard the rain drops and I can't help but to be emotional again. I am thinking of things and all the stupidity and crazyness I have made. Why I am so careless? See Amelyn you take up the lessons again. You have already earned six units in the hospital this year. Good enough, that in the evening my classmates in MAHESOS came to visit me, so my spirit was lifted. I really appreciate the help of Mario (her sense of humor gives me medicine) although, inside of me,I still feel the pain but having angels like her and my classmates preserve my sanity. As doctor Than said "You have to rest because your a naughty girl".

A PLACE TO REMEMBER

I also do not expect that Mam Marina will visit me in the hospital. She is sixty four year old and a retired social worker, former Director of DSWD NCR. We worked together in Kazakhstan last 2005. After three years only this time that we've met again and she told me "among all the places, I do not expect that I will see you here. Remember in Kazakhstan, we are the one lifting spirits of our clients in the clinic so this time you have to lift yours".She also told me "Just think that after this blessings will come". I was inspired because even if she's older than me but still she's very healthy, the more should I, because I was more younger than her.

BREAKFAST WITH THE DEAD

On my third day, ate Irene, my dorm mate brought me my favorite Macdonald breakfast (pancake and coffee) which we usually eat on Sunday but this time it is not good to have breakfast where in front of you another patient was lying in her bed and only the oxygen tank gives her life. She was admitted on my second night, i was not able to sleep well because I heard her calling her mother's name but her mother was just around her. She kept on saying "Mama, I don't want this (she mean the oxygen on her nose) but her mother replied "You have no choice, your in the hospital". My room was filled with nurse attendant and doctor from time to time. She's so noisy. In the morning, her attendant doctor told her children that "your mother is not in good shape, it is only the machine that breaths for her". Then, I saw her kids were crying. I can emphatize with them because what I saw this morning reminds me of my father. In a few hours, they pump her heart but she stop breathing. I saw the sign on top of her bed "Complete Bed Rest!"

My memory box

If there is a place which will remind me of a very sad part of my childhood days it's definitely the hospital. At the age of 13, we live in the hospital for two months because my father was confined because of cancer. If some people are wishing to be hospitalized well it's none of my wish but it happens without my control. This place reminds me of how many injections my father will get in a day, his bloated body and that he cannot move his arms. As a child this made me realized sometimes no matter how you love the person but love is not enough to keep him alive. You have to set him free because this is much better than to see him dying everyday. This is the best thing that you can do!

THINGS I SHOULD NOT FORGET!

At last I get out after three days, I still have some pain but little by little things will go back to normal. I practice now graceful movement. Sometimes, sickness gives us a chance to reflect on things that are important and here's my list:

1. Water (there is no substitute for water, in hospital the doctor will not prescribe softdrinks or green tea)

2. Oxygen (don't forget to breath everyday, deep breathing)

3. Rest ( I should rest because normally I am so mobile, I also do not want that there will be a sign on top my bed complete bed rest)

3. People (value them while you are still alive especially those you love because if you are in the hospital they are the one's you need, not fame, not honor nor success)

4. Life (I was ask by nursing student, do you think you live your life fully? my answer is yes! because while I was in my bed I was thinking I have done so much in my life in the past 28 years so If I will die now then maybe God just want to tell me "You have enough" but I still want to live more productive years. That is why next year I am planning to settle down and build my niche.

5. God (to trust him with all of my heart and lean not on my own understanding)

CREDITS INSIDE:

Thanks to my friends who came to visit me in the hospital in Davao Medical Center last May and also in Manila Adventist Hospital this September. May God repay your kindness in silence and may you always stay healthy. I will keep you in my memory forever.

“The price of Memory”

What if I woke up one day and then I cannot remember what happen yesterday? What if I cannot recall the names of my parents and other significant people in my life? Then, even if I will look at some photographs, I cannot make sense of what I saw? Nothing comes back to me. I suffered memory loss. These are the things that comes to my mind while listening to a series of lectures about the causes and effects of dementia to a person during the 2^nd ADAP National Congress on Dementia Prevention last September 18 to 21, 2008 at Manila Hotel and the battle cry is “Ayaw naming Makalimot”.

In my own a opinion, for a person to live normally we must have a good memory because this will give us meaning to our daily existence but when facts are presented how problems of dementia affected several people. I think the statistics are quite alarming. It was projected that in 2110 Most Older adults sixty-two years in above have fear of losing their mental capacity. In the lecture of Ma. Socorro C. Martinez – President of ADAP (Adult Cognitive Health Initiative) entitled “Dementia on the Rise; No time to lose”. She mentioned that 60% of people with dementia live in the developing country and there is 24.3 million suffering Dementia and 4.6 million are new cases. In Asia Pacific it is estimated that 13.6 million suffered dementia as of 2005 and in the Philippines it was estimated that 11.5% older adults have dementia. She also presented in her lecture about Policy Changes and Framework in order to address this sickness and here’s her findings: Limited Awareness on Dementia since many were not aware about the disease, Dementia is natural part of aging so there are no enabling laws in order to address the disease, Inadequate Human and Financial Resources to address the disease and Inadequate Training for Professional Care givers and Lack of Support of Family Care givers.

But what is dementia? In a lay man’s term we call it “pagkaulyanin” in Tagalog or “Gi-ango-ango” in Bisaya” but these are discriminatory terms to aged people since we are thinking that growing old also means that we are progressing into memory loss. It is only quite accepted in developing countries because in western societies normally when people grow older their memory becomes even sharper and vivid. No wonder at the age of sixty many of them can write a book or become specialist in their own field but in our country older person will end up idle for their children to be taken cared off as they become dependent to their children. When I visited Golden Acres before most social workers are having difficulty working with their clients because many of them cannot provide actual information and this leave them dependent to the welfare institution until they die.

As I’ve learned from the conference Dementia refers to a complete memory loss but primary cause of the disease was still quite unknown. It was introduced by Dr. Alzheimer from Germany. According to various medical experts during the conference the disease was attributed to a poor cognitive function and even related to the problems of diabetes and hypertension. If a person suffered hypertension then there is a tendency that he or she will develop dementia in later part of life. Dr. Peter Rabin from University of Chicago stressed out the importance of prevention to address dementia. He highlighted in his lecture about the value of exercise especially aerobic exercise that can really help in preventing the disease and also a continuous education because in his studies conducted it was found out that it is hard to detect dementia among people who are continuously educated.

Given all these facts and information from various experts we can make conclusions that those people living below poverty line are also mostly the projected victims of the disease. Since in the Philippines 70% of the Filipinos are poor so we can anticipate that there will more people who will eventually suffered this disease since many were suffering diabetes, hypertension and added by poor education and lack of exercise. As presented by various studies during the conference, Alzheimer’s disease was one of the top ten leading causes of death in the country.

Questions now need to be addressed like how are giving attentions to this disease? What are our preventive measures? What Social Security or safety nets of the government to support patient with Dementia? How ready is Social Security System or Government Insurance System for Dementia? How we address the social effects of dementia in our society?

On my personal reflection, I am sad that if we cannot prevent dementia, time will come that we cannot remember anything. I think that another most beautiful thing God gives to us humans is our memory but if we lose it then what makes us differ with the lower species? Is it not good that when we grow older we can tell stories to our children how we live our lives before and give them insights on what can they do to the present. Having such photographic memory is essential and so we have to work hard to preserve it now prior to losing it in the end.

DEVELOPMENT FOR THE THIRD WORLD(The Battle between David and Goliath)

Theme: The impact of development is good for the Third World countries like Philippines – Issue paper

Is there any development in the third world country? Are we going to equate development with the skyscrapers, mobiles phones, faster internet service or other modern facilities? Most people who never had background in social science will definitely say there is so much development around us and actually we are enjoying it right now. Somewhat true, but actually in real essence we really do not taste the true spice of development.

Before going further, let me quote some definitions of development taken from various sources according to BBC “development means improvement in a country’s economic and social conditions”. More specifically, it refers to improvements in ways of managing an area’s natural and human resources in order to create wealth and improve people’s lives. Since it is hard to measure development geographers develop some measurement in order for us to view development in two ways: one is economic development and the other is human development.

The second definition of development is taken from the site of about.com psychology which describes “development as the growth of humans throughout the lifespan, from conception to death.” This includes all of aspects of human growth, including physical, emotional, social, perceptual and personality development.

The third definition was taken from the classical definition of UN World Commission on Environment and Development in 1987 which specifically stated that “development must be sustainable and when we speak about sustainability it means that we meet the needs of the present without compromising the ability of the future generations to meet their own needs.”

Among the three definitions of development it is very clear that development encompasses not only the growing economy or improvement of facilities, high-rise building or modern technology but more so it refers to holistic human development and sustainability.

Before I will provide response if there is any development in the third world countries like the Philippines, let me go back to historical account that will help us better understand what is this so called “development” for us to know if this is really meant for us. Do we have the right to claim that we are taking part of this development?

POST-COLONIAL DEVELOPMENT STRATEGY

I have learned from my readings of Evelyne Hong issue paper entitled Globalization and the Impact on Health A third world View – Post-Colonial Development Strategy that there is what we so called Post-Colonial Development Strategy.

Her paper stated that “Imperial policies” and the market enterprise did not end with colonialism: it was given new name with “Development”. After the independence of the colonized countries the Third World states became tied to the world system of trade, finance and investment with the TNCs (Transnational Corporations) in the forefront of economic order. According to her to enable the newly independent states to catch up with their former colonial masters, it was believed that economic development was the answer. This is panacea for the major ill of the Third World was foisted on the latter in no time.

Several Aid programmed in the form of “Development Aid” from the rich Northern countries and the World Bank (WB) and commercial banks, including foundations (like Ford and Rockefeller) and research institutions all played a major significant role in the adoption of a development model imposed from the North.

The WB-promoted post colonial model advised Third World nations to plant more commodities for export which lead to oversupply, lower prices, falling terms of trade, environmental degradation and increasing poverty.

According to her one of the most significant development in the western development strategy in the postwar era was the commercialization of the Third World agriculture through the Green Revolution (GR). This GR replaced indigenous agriculture with modern agriculture; it led to the use of the yielding seed varieties leading to a loss of indigenous rice and wheat varieties; the contamination of soils and water systems from the use of pesticides, chemical fertilizers and modern irrigation systems and dependence on modern machinery and technology.

Given all this account of Post-Colonial Development strategy the author concluded that colonial rule and post war development strategies played a significant role in the underdevelopment of the Third World. This resulted in serious social malaise and ill health for the majority of the people. This development model has led to increasing polarization of the North and South (and within countries in the North and South as well).

IS THERE ANY DEVELOPMENT FOR THE THIRD WORLD?

I don’t want to go farther to other countries because even in the Philippines it is highly obvious that development was an abused word especially by politicians in order to win votes during election.

Some may say look at Manila as an example of development. But isn’t it showing us development? But maybe we have to ask again what development we are talking about? Do we really understand the word from its original meaning?

We have high rise building but how many people are on the streets? We have modern facilities for transportation but we still have traffic. Pollution, environmental degradation, soil erosion and now here’s flood and sudden climate change. These are clear evidences that we’re able to neglect important aspect of development which is human development.

If we look around us, we can see how our agricultural lands were converted into banana, pineapple and African palm oil. It is ironic that we experienced rice crisis were in fact International Rice Research Institute was established here in the Philippines teaching technology to other countries how to plant rice.

In exchange they send us their modern technology but the question is how many of us can afford it? What an average Filipino can afford to buy are surplus products of appliances and even clothes that were used by people in the First World.

We are a dumping ground of garbage. They enjoyed the best and quality products from our country while we are having feast with their waste.

Despite of our growing GNP and GDP we’re still owe billions of money from the World Bank? Our government set up policies in order to accommodate the standards of the IMF/WB so it leads us to lose our own control over our economy, social services and national policy.

Actually we lose this control from the very beginning because it is for a fact that development was set not by us, but it was already prepared by those highly industrialized countries. What we ought to do is only to follow the scripted agreement.

I will always remember Pres. Ramos in his political banner before “Philippines 2000”. A dream that by the time we reach the year 2000 we will be more progressive country and will be an economic tiger in Asia. But it is already 2008 now and where is this development he is talking about?

There will be only true development if we will be able to craft for our own developmental goals just like China or other countries. But we are only a country which only participates in the game of globalization and modernization which we really know from the very beginning that we are in the losing end so therefore development is not for us but we are just victims of development.

The worse thing our government was doing right now is to venture into human labor export which eventually leads us to brain drain. We are making our maids into super maids and instead of making our education responsive to the needs of our country we are training our people to become nurse of the world. We provide service to first world countries in the form of Overseas Filipino Contract Workers whom we called heroes.

I am not against development but I am anti-post developmental strategy or any development that will destroy our national identity. I am not in favor with development that is not rooted on the felt needs of our people. The needs of the west are not the same with the need of the south. Although, it is good that we are sharing information but it is not also good that we already neglect our own selves.

I do not believe that development happens if we are just mere recipient of it. We must be active planner of our own development.

Not everything that grows is helpful. It depends on what growth are we talking about. Like for instance if in our body if there is particular part that abnormally grows it might be diagnosed as cancer.

I am only for development as long as this upholds the criteria of sustainability which again sets we do not sacrifice the need of the next generation for us to meet the needs of the presence and if development will truly enhance the quality of life of human beings.

As long as it will consider the needs of the people in the Third World and it will put high regard to their culture, tradition and preservation of the environment. Then, this is development.

The Broken Man

I thought I was the one who was depressed because my eyes were getting red again last Sunday. I get out from my crab shell and expressed my pain by crying because I don't want to treasure them in my heart. Well, it is just part of me to burst out my emotion especially when I am alone. It is definitely normal for me.

But last night to my great surprised my mobile phone was ringing and I've got a text message "You know, I am tired of my life right now and I feel like I don't really don't like it anymore". Then, I asked him why? then, he replied "my wife left me, I felt abandoned, she's now in London working as a nurse and here I am a single man again.

He already informed me about his status before that his wife will leave but this time I asked him "but why did you allowed her to go? Then his response was "because it is her ambition and It's hard for me to stop her in reaching her dreams".

UNSELFISH LOVER

His a great lover and he was so inlove with her. For him, she was the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman that his eyes had ever seen. For sure, in his standard no other woman can be compared with her. Everytime, we saw a beautiful woman in a training that we conducted he often asked for my opinion. "What do you think about her and my wife?" Who is the most beautiful? Then, whether I will answer that the other woman was more exquisite, our conversation will end up with him bragging about her excellent and incomparable qualifications.

He definitely, desired nothing but her growth and happiness. He sent her to prestigious university in order for her to finish a four year degree and after which she worked in a travel agency and they got married but no child. Then, lately she studied nursing and last year I've learned that she passed the board and this year she decided to work in London.

THE TEARS OF SUPERMAN

Many of those friends who heard about him will definitely agree with me if I will say that he was a genius. He often describe himself "wise guy". So he often reminded me "Anak, whenever you look for a husband be sure he is as wise as me". Too good to be really true, he graduated cum laude from his economics degreee. He occupied a very high position in the National Government Agency. He was a bussinessman and had so many properties, artist, poet, historian, mathematician, debater and a very well-rounded person. But his waterloo was not given a chance to be father so he often calls me "Anak" and I called him "Tatay or Papa". I knew in my heart that he really wanted to have a child because normally on his birthday it is his uttered wish but God didn't allowed him to have one. He instead adopted a boy to be considered his son. Sometimes when he text me "Anak, when I am already old pls. don't forget to visit me at the home for the aged" and I said "why? are you planning to stay there?"he said "maybe I will end up there". The other night, his text message was "sorry if I disturb you, I just have no one to talk to except you".

SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AIN'T ENOUGH

I am partly sad to know lately about their separation with his wife. Eversince as a child, I saw how much love and affection they gave to each other. They even cried so much during their church wedding. Most of the time, I get envy watching them so sweet, hugging and kissing each other for my parents never allowed me to see any affection because my mother was conservative. When he was drank he keeps on calling her name but I also can understand why his wife left. Maybe she has many reasons that only a woman can understand. Maybe she needs a personal space to fill up. Maybe she's longing to be a mother too. Whatever their reasons, they are the one who knows.

But this also lead me to think that maybe their love for one another was not as strong as they have it before.

Sometimes, our ambitions in life will overshadow our love or love will just fade and we realized later that even if we want to keep it there are other forces on earth that is stronger than our love.

Time, distance, space and change are great forces.

Personally, I know how distance became an enemy of love. Whether physical, emotional or the worse is personal distance. But of course as one poet said "Real love, knows no distance".

I know right now he was so depressed and we keep on texting but I also shared some of his depression but his quite indifferent towards life. His words are not as strong as before. We've known each other since I was fourteen. He seems so alive, funny and full of sense of humor but now even without seeing him personally his messages send me some painful feelings of lost.

But I know he can get over it soon for I know a strong man like him will be broken for sometimes but never surrender.

The good and bad teachers

I have many good teachers in my life and in some way I feel bliss having met them. My recollection will start from elementary days wherein I have Muslim Gay P.E. teacher who always called me "Lalo" instead of "Laro" because he cannot pronounced letter "R" but I love him because he often made me princess in our dance but I often don't like it because I hate dancing "singkil" because normally it will hurt your feet if you made mistake. He was the only Gay Muslim Teacher I know and through him, I have learned to like Muslim and don't have much problems dealing with them because I think they are loving people.

I also like my first year adviser in highschool who cried when I decline joining search for Ms. UN because she told me that I need to represent the Philippines. That time I don't understand what is the reason why she cried but she said that she had migraine because I am very stubborn and with that she had migraine. Now, I understand truly it was painful because I have now migraine myself. But at that time, I think she's somewhat crazy because I don't have any ambition to be a beauty queen because I know I inherit the height of my grandmother "putot" but I joined the search to please her and I won that made her very happy. I realized that I build self-confidence because of that search and I discovered that I have some talents and beauty (or we just love our own country so I won). Whatever, the reason is, I love to recall that she cried because of me. No, but she cared for me.

Then, in College I cannot forgot Sir. Compay because his the first one who gave me a grade of 100 grade in my group work subject by which I am so surprised and can't believed why I got such high grade. Then, I went to his office asking him "Sir is this really my grade? he told me "yeah" and I said " but I don't think I deserve it" and he replied "I am just happy giving you that one".

When he died last December 2005, I went to his wake and can't help smiling and thanking him and I remember very well his kindness as our teacher. His one of my inspiration why I accepted my teaching job.

There are others who came across my memory like my history teacher in highschool who gave me 100 pesos on my birthday and Mam Clemen who was there by the time my father died and also other teachers in College like Mam Estrada who have commitment and passion for teaching, Mam Layug who teaches us the real life lesssons, who inspired us to be good students which unfortunately, I do not consider myself really good student because I am very relax. "Tamad mag-aral kung may exam lang" at Reyna ng extra-curricular activities sa labas ng University. Well, life is a choice and my choice at that time is to travel.

But I also met some bad teachers wherein even up to now, I can still remember their names and sometimes, I wonder how many students they victimize. The first insult I've got was from my teacher in undegrad who asked me and my classmates to write our assessment in the board and she left, the moment she came back she erased everything we had written in the board. She gets angry and told us we're idiot!. That time, I don't even understand what's the meaning of the term "assessment" later when I was teaching Social Work I encountered the word again and it's just very simple that you only need to keep asking yourself "Why?, why? why? up to your last breath and then if you have answered already then it will be your professional opinion about the case and we called it assessment. Then, I said to myself, why cant she just told us about it. Then, I made a conclusion because she's"idiot". No wonder why she was petitioned by other students and lately she was kicked out from the University.

The most recent insult I've got was from my another crazy teacher in MSW wherein during the comprehensive exam she asked me to re-do my assessment about group work case and because I was confused with her instruction I asked "Mam what is the problem in this assessment because I think that I have written here already what I am really thinking of the right theory to be used" then she gave me a response "what do you think, all your answers are right?" and because I feel confident that I know the answer because I was teaching the subject in the undergrad, I answered "Yes Mam" then she walk out. That is the reason why I get discouraged with my MSW. It's because my intention then was only to know why did I committed mistake? wherein fact in other subject much harder than her subject which are research and administration I easily pass and her subject was not that too difficult, it's even a repetition of my undergrad subject. Besides, If my answers were wrong she supposed to give me failing grades during those subjects that she handled but I always got high grades then only during the comprehensive exam that she wants me to re-do it without really reason. That I cannot easily accept, doing something without any explaination except in my mind that "it's too personal".

Well, teachers are humans too and they have the right to get angry. Even I am not excused to it when I was still teaching before, but for being angry with reason but just insult their students was very unreasonable for me.

Even if I will not finish my studies in La Salle what I like with my teachers here is that they allowed their students to ask question and discourse with them. The more questions you have in your mind, the happier they are to provide you with response. I think it is liberating education and it only shows that they are not insecure with what they know. At least they teach us "how to really think" which is first and foremost the essence of education.

The moment students stop thinking there is no reason for teachers to teach but some teachers want their students to be parrot.

Well the good news is, most students can only remember the "good" or the "bad" teacher and the rest were already forgotten which is more worse for it means that they're not significant.

But they said it's better for teacher not to recall the name of their student than a student to forget the name of his or her teacher.

Well, being a student and a teacher there is no difference, they all mean the same thing, YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT!.

LESSONS FROM THE DEAD

Thank God it's November! I need only to wait for one-month and I will be home soon. I am thinking about going into nature and immerse myself, by then I can get much life. I wanted to go home, I don't see much life in Manila now. Most of the time, I get depressed with the weather like today, it's raining again soon there will be flood or maybe I don't see much life here. I only got much life when I went to the Manila zoo but if i stayed in my dorm like for the last two days, I get bored. Another reason is I saw so much life-less situation here like going to our dorm there was a family living in the "Padyak". Sometimes, I try to think are they happy with their life? Then, I said "maybe" because they love each other but the other side of my brain also tells me like if "love will keep us alive then, why are they dying?". I am pretty stupid, I had so much thinking. One of my friend said, when are you going to stop that business? Then, I replied "when I die".

Last November 1, I was thinking about my family because normally it's the time when our relatives from Baganga came to Davao to visit those who passed away, my father, my aunt and my cousin bogoy. I feel sad too but what I can do? this is my predicament. I just keep on reading, writing and sometimes crying over past hurts or feelings that I cannot just easily let go. Well, another thing that comes to my head are memories of the dead.

I remember two of my friends who died but up to now, in my mind they are still alive.

"A.k.a Borotoy"

I always remember him greeting me "Good morning Mam!" when I passed by the sari-sari store early morning or in the evening I was just surprised that in my back someone said "Good evening Mam!". Sounds like he was a very respectful guy buy actually most of our neighbor were scared of him. His very well-known notorious guy in our neighborhood. He stabbed a lot of men and his the leader in the gambling session. But I am not scared of him maybe because we had the same birthday or what I am thinking of, is there is nothing to be scared of. His a sweet person especially when he courted my friend. He often loved to sent her gifts and my friend said that she doesn't like him because maybe he got his money from stealing but it's very funny because she accepted the gift. He courted her for a long time, but he was so frustrated to learn that she had a relationship with a "T-bird" or "Transvestite". She doesn't like a man but a woman. Well, Borotoy is only his nickname, he got it from being a street boy, but his real name is Romanito which is not bad for him. His actually handsome but I think a person will be more handsome before he died. That night before he was stabbed, I saw him having his new hair-cut and then he greeted me and with my surprised to his new look, I gave comment like "you look more handsome today,you should always be like that so that Ms. N will like you "and he replied "I am always handsome". Then, the following morning, I heard the news that he was killed last night.

"KUYA JET"

His a street educator like me and also working as a volunteer. An athletic, healthy young man and full of life. We get acquainted in Paginhawaan Drop-In Center when I was working there as part-time. My former bf normally called him "Paring" but I just call him "jet" because for me his a jetsetter. He likes to pack his bag and travel. During our breaks, I love to talk to him because he has many stories about his trip to the mountain. He climbed Mount Apo for how many times and went to several caves. If you want to know about the jungle and life in the forest well his a man to ask. He always asked me favor to send regards to my girl friend "bet". He likes her very much, unfortunately my friend was engaged already. When I went back from Kazakhstan, we went to Canibad beach in Samal Island. There was jet and other street educators and we had our overnight. That was a very beautiful weekend because of the wonderful sunset and white sand beach. We took lots of photos and most of these shote were very funny! I can clearly recall "Jet" loves to pose for a pic which normally he was such a silent guy (his not very show off) his even very ashamed when they were asked to dance "mr. suave" before, but during that time he loves to have pictures. Then, he said "Mam, we should go to Mount Apo, that place was so closed to heaven". Actually, it's part of our plan before his death. But one-week after Canibad, I've learned that "Jet" had cardiac arrest while his waiting for a jeepney near the center. Very funny man! When I visited his wake, I told him, your very clever jet! You surprised me!

Up to now, I don't think they're dead, their faces seems so alive in my memory. So alive! When someone greets me "Good morning Mam!" I remember them always.

There are times, I get tired with my life especially when things are not doing well or I am just going back to the same experienced again. But I also learned that living is an ardous task. Life is difficult according to the roadless traveled book.

There are also times like I am thinking of? was it good to live longer or shorter? if jet lives shorter but if he already seize his time on earth then maybe he serves his purpose already

Well, whatever! I just can't forget them.

May their souls rest in peace and for those of us who are alive (Caspi Diem! Seize the day!)

What is Success?

Success is a relative concept. It depends on what measurement we are using. Some may use quantitative tool like counting how much money you have? what is your investment? anything that comes with numbers and the rule of this game is the more you have the more successful you become.

Some people may also equate success with qualitative ones, like how meaningful your life is? do you find it worthy to live? are you happy with where you are now? so the basis is your sense of contentment and finding meaning for everything you do. As the saying goes, Life is a continuous search for truth and meaning.

I am also reflecting about this word most of the time. I am asking myself will you call yourself successful now? partly, I can answer yes because I've reached what I expected, i only dream before of flying once in airplane and I cannot count how many times I fly. I am only thinking of going to places in my city, but I traveled very far from what I am thinking of. I only dream to finish my bachelors degree and now I was able to pursue higher than what I dream of. A poor girl like me cannot imagine all the opportunities that God showered to me and I feel guilty because sometimes, when I am down I forgot how blessed am I. I may not have a husband and a child (since people in this society try to equate success with this measurement) but whether God give me this or not, I feel some sense that I have enough than what I have dream. Even more than enough!

But because man is such a very discontented person, I am still dreaming for more great things to happen because they said if we are settling for smaller goals therefore we don't give justice to our existence. I am still dreaming of other things to call myself successful. I also believed that God is such a very generous God therefore we cannot limit his power to give us more than we ask for, because he is not an ordinary person, he was superpower and extraordinary.

One dream, I haven't realized yet and that is to have my own NGO in which I can help other people who wanted to help themselves. I already started this dream when AGAC (Alternative Group of Advocates for Children's Concern) was established last 2002 sending street children to school, but it was not fully realized because of some personal reasons. But, I always dream of this and everything that I do are only my preparation for me to reach this dream.

Now, I am still helping myself because as they said "You cannot give, what you do not have" but then, if I am already settled. I will not stop realizing this dream.

By then, I can die for I served my purpose on earth.

"ONE LOVE"

"One love, one heart, let's get together and feel alright" - Bob Marley

I often asked my mother how she decided to marry my father? and this is her only very short answer, "because I love him".This is my question since I was a child because my father was a differently-abled man (he lose his one foot and he can't walk without artificial leg and robertson shoes). So, I really wonder how mother was attractive to him? I sometimes, asked "why you don't choose a two legged man?" because my mother's first and last love is only father.

It's fourteen years now since my father passed away and sometimes, we teased our mother to find another man to be her husband. Then, mother normally replied "it's enough that I have your father and why should I look for another man?"

There are times, when I was a kid that I was wishing to have a father who can run with me, who is strong and not so sickly as my father. My childhood playmates normally teased me (Ah! iyang papa kay pungkol! (her father was dis-able!) which often makes me cry because I love my father. But, I realized yeah, he lose his foot but he is a good husband and a good father. He knows, what kind of answer his going to give his children, His a walking dictionary, He can cook and he works despite of his differences. He can sings well and I think his smart. I do not think there will be another father, I wanted to have if I will be given a chance to choose another one.

So, now that I am old I also realized what does it mean, when my mother said "because I love him". It's because my father also loved her. I never saw in my life that they fight with my mother. NEVER! I only hear strums of guitar and songs shared by my parents when they are in our balcony especially at night. I hear them sharing stories at dawn time about the bible that my father reads last night. Despite that fact that we were poor, I do not think, were disadvantaged because our parents love each other so much.

It's a very beautiful memory that I always treasured.

Now, I know my mother is a smart woman choosing my father to be her husband. Yeah, it is love!

P.S. Tomorrow will be my mother's 64th birthday. How, I wish I was there.

Counting Blessings

The other night my friend send me text message about a Science Class when a teacher asked her student to give an example of things which are countless and one student answered WATER, another one answered SAND, and the other one answered AIR. Then, the teacher noticed that everybody was participating except for one. She called her attention and asked the same question "What are the things which are countless? and the student stood up and answered BLESSINGS, have you tried counting yours lately?...well, i posed for a while and thinking about my own blessings this year.

Actually, beginning of this year, I feel devastated thinking how things turn out bad with my work and hospitalized. But, I realized there are countless blessings for me this year if I only look at it in different perspectives.

It is a blessing that I was out from UM because, I don't need to wake up early for my 6 o-clock class and then go home so late at night. Now, I can wake up very late and have long time for sleeping. I can check the internet everyday and write a lot of things, I wanted to write. Then, I can listen to all music, I loved to hear. I have enough time to read,sing in karaoke, massage, watch movies, concerts and dating. These are the things, that I cannot enjoy before because I was only confined to checking papers and then preparing lessons. God give me a damn good break! Then, I was able to see other places aside from Davao. I traveled Bukidnon speaking for PMA Convention meet a good long friend, swimming in the river and now in Manila, I have freedom! If I was teaching now, I only stayed in one small corner of the world, sitting with the cynical and pessimists. I was able to meet other interesting people and I learn a lot and not only limiting my experience talking with the some people who disturb my soul.

My hospital experienced gave me six units of medical experienced (3 units dengue and 3 units inflammatory disease). Out from the this, I learned to love myself more than anyone else.

So, now when someone asked me if I am sad that I am away from UM. My answer is clear. NO! IT IS MUCH BETTER! I can breath freely, speak freely, and sing my redemption song.

Though, as we had discussed with Mam Bobing that I am partly sad because I don't have bonus this christmas but I think I have lots of gifts this year.

There are so many things, I enjoyed out from the bad experienced I have with my work. Therefore, I am thankful to those people who decided to count me out. This is blessings in disguise! I am so glad!

It has nothing to do with my New year!

I grow up here. This is my territory. Everytime I come back here, I know that I belong here. I don't forget where I came from? I clearly remember everything. I was a street child sponsored by Government to finish my education and earned my degree and work in the government and then went to academe and now left it.

My life story is everybody story. It was documented in tv and then written in newspaper. So everybody knows it!

So everytime, I come back to Davao it is the story I heard all over again.

Actually, all I want is just to stay here, but there are many things that I cannot explained why living here is such a difficult thing.

Well, Christmas is really good if you are with your family. I am a very family oriented person. You can hurt me and do anything to me but spare my family. But, after everything that happens to me here. I cannot anymore find my own niche. My habitat was destroyed.

It makes me sick when people keeps on talking about a past love story when actually it happened way back in 2005. If I did not marry that person it is because I don't love him but everytime I joined reunion of social workers old rotten stories keeps coming back. It seems I am talking to stone-age people. Where their computer version is not really upgraded.

Now, after seven months in Manila and meeting some old acquaintance old controversy about my work and why I left the University. The answer is simple, I don't like it anymore.

IF I DO NOT LIKE IT! I LEAVE IT! AND FIND MY OWN PEACE!

Now if people that I left behind were not happy, then they have to accept it because they are the reason why I left. I am not martyr. If I can find my way out, I really leave. This is me. I don't like drama. I hate it when someone step on my shoes and never even tell me sorry.

I want to stay happy and be productive. If in a certain place, I feel that the world is getting smaller then I look for a wider space. Where I can breath. Where people can accept my opinion and accept me for who I am. Where I can be alive. I mean really alive!

How I wish I can just stay here without people asking me some questions that I do not like to answer but it is difficult for me. I do not like to stay in a place where people knows nothing but talking about old, old, very old and antique stories about my past. Recalling about dead people in my memory box.

For me past is past and we can't do anything with it. I am also sick and tired that people in my past keeps on disturbing me. If they want to be my friends then they should stop talking about old stories. I hate it when I received text messages just reminding me who am I before?. I know where I came from and no one needs to remind me. Everytime, I see a street child, I know that I was once like them but not all street child is like me. Some street child can be street parents too. I was not the only person sent by government to school there are hundreds of us and if I made it is not only because of government but it is me.

Hey, its almost 2009 and I broke up with that person in 2005 and then I leave my work in 2008. These are old stories.

There are new ones that I am still revising my thesis and I am working hard for my dlsu studies (not so hard!, he,he,he, bugay-bugay pud) these are new ones. They are worth talking about than people in my past especially people who brought nothing to my consciousness but unhappy memories. I wonder why they keep coming back because when I left someone, my own policy is I don't care where they are now. I just wish they are happy for the choices they have made because I am certainly satisfied with where I am now. For me that is PAST.

I just wish that in the coming year, they will stop talking about me, because what happened in the last years were already written in my archives and now I am thinking to write new one's for new year.

Every year, I am thinking of new things to do new things to write! This is me.

Everybody needs an angel

When I was in the plane going to Davao there is an OFW named Eliza seating next to me. Since I don't sleep we shared some stories about the things we do. I have learned that she's an OFW from Dubai and she told me that she's just coming to Davao to baptize her daughter. She's only 27 years old and stayed in Dubai for almost two years as massage therapist.

She adopted a one year old girl left by a 19 year old pregnant woman to her mother. The child's name is "Angel Mae". According to her this child was quite a blessing for her family because her parents who were both old was both happy with the coming of the child.

The child's story is like typical "Maala-ala mo Kaya" which really full of drama. The mother of the child was only nineteen and got pregnant since she don't have the support of her family she seek help to others and was taken cared of by a stranger. After giving birth she decided to work in Ilo-ilo and left her child to the mother of Eliza. Until later the mother had no connection anymore and so the child was taken cared of by Eliza's family and until the adoption paper was processed and so now my seatmate is the legal mother of the child. She's a mother without giving birth. Good enough that her boyfriend also supported her decision.

She told me that she accepted the child because she feels pity to where the child will go if she will not accept her. The child supposed to be adopted by a rich chinese merchant and he told the mother of the child before her birth but when the child was born, she has some birth defects in her hands so the chinese guy decided not to adopt the child anymore.

She told me about how this little angel changed her pespective in life and that having her made her think of responsibilities which really impressed me like how come such person who was not a pure mother of the child think about these things wherein the original mother just left her.

Until she told me a lot of stories about the child's talent and how she made her happy. Then, later she told me that the baptism will be next Sunday and asked me "will you please come to be one of the Godmother? Then, without a doubt I said "Okay" because in my head who am I to say no? wherein fact she even accepted the child even if it is not her blood and my mind thinks that how good she is. Then, I will only go there just to share it with her. She said that she just lied that she's a single parent for people to stop asking why she had a daughter.

She is an angel to an angel!

Well, the baptism happened yesterday and I've met some characters that she mentioned in our 1 hour and 45 minutes ride.

While the ceremony is on-going, I am thinking like how many of us can take care of someone we do not really know? How many women can be a mother without giving birth? how many of us can be like her? How many can be angels?

Women and War

We are now in our third sem and shall i say final sem of the course and I am looking forward for another head-aching comprehensive exam for sure it will be painful with my hands again because it is not yet invented that exams in compre are computerized but this time it is not much painful with my pocket. Well, i was interested this day in writing about women and war which is actually my topic for our subject on directed reading subject. It is a good course you have nothing to do but to read and write and what i like most is it is within the bounds of your interest. It is because writing is not fun if you do it for other people's interest just like my thesis on Retirement planning which is actually my primary interest is on the stories of the retired social workers but because the thesis panel wants it to be Retirement planning and Quality of Life now I am pushing myself to put myself into that context which is up to now I am on it's final revision for book form. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I feel lazy, but it is not my attitude to put things later and so even if I don't like doing it but if it is needed then I sacrifice.

Anyway what is good about women and war? well, it is a product of my fascination of war stories and war movies. I love war stories because it is always that if there is war then love comes. I remember Sir Felix, a co-volunteer once said: observed that patterned of all war movies you can always find love in there. Exactly! He has wisdom in saying that it is because the root causes of war if not the land it is the love one. Well, men are usually the culprit for seldom you can find women creating war.

I just don't know where my idea of the topic came from but every time, I saw men in uniform what comes to me is that soon their wives will be left alone because sooner or later they will be dead. I am crazy! But really, it is as if when you marry a soldier you need to accept the truth that there will come a time that he will not come back because he wants to be hero. If he will not die in the battle then he will die desperate. Other than that, it is just when I saw this episode in "Wowowee" regarding soldiers wives and how they feel about the loss, it made me cried. I cried with them and it is intensified with another episode of this OFW women from Lebanon that despite of the fact there is war if they have choices to make to go back then they will do it for their family's sake. Aren't they warriors too? Well, I saw them as silent victims out of this natural human phenomenon. I was even thinking that leaving once country to work as domestic worker in another country is also a war but a war against poverty. Maybe, a psychological war because a mother cannot take it that her children do not have food to eat.

Well, maybe unconsciously, I am motivated to search for effects of war to women because war as a subject is a common story from my mother which I've heard that she was born in the course of Japanese war. Then, rationalizing that it is the reason why she has some unknown fear. I feel that women are silent warriors they may not be in the battlefield but they are the one who were absorbing all the traumatic and psychological effects of war from their spouses. This will remind me of so many films like Ann Frank, Schindler's list and "Ashtemasute" wherein women are victims in many, many ways but in the end most of the heroes are men.

Having this all in mind now, I am looking forward for an action reading with regards to this subject.